I’ve always been really bad about blogging. But it being a new year and my consistent struggling to figure out what the point is living this life, I’ve decided to seriously turn to this space to figure that out. Maybe you have no idea, but I’ve been really in a dark place the last few months. I don’t even really see a reason for it. I have a full time job now, I get weekends off. I’m earning actual paid time off. I’m getting vacation time after my one year anniversary in June, which we plan on using for an anniversary cruise in November. This gives me time for theater, etc. Yet, I struggle with being happy. I struggle with wondering what the point of working a lot to just be too tired to enjoy the money I make or just have it gone before I get to enjoy it anyway. I’m sure I’m not the only one who deals with the dilemma on a daily basis.
I’ve been trying to figure out what to do about this. I try everything. Meditation, prayer, attempts at self-care. But in the same frame I have a hard time falling asleep at night, I have a hard time getting up in the morning. I stare at my phone and ponder calling off simply because I don’t want to be awake. Yet I crave experiences, crave living life. It doesn’t make any sense.
So instead of trying to make sense of it, I’m going to try and change it. I know it isn’t necessarily a simple change of attitude or outlook. I’ll getting a doctor with my newish insurance and looking into improving my health, mental health and my life in general.
I did do my usual “pick a word for the year” ritual, as opposed to be resolutions. My power word for 2020 is:
My first initial word was “healing” because that is going to be a big focal point for this year on a lot of fronts. But I thought it was too narrow for the vision I had for the year. Then the word “infinite” popped into my head. During my guided meditation for the last time in 2019, we did an activity where we picked a power word and wrote a release and intention for the new year.
I declare that SELF DOUBT no longer has any power over me.
I now welcome life and it’s experiences with NO FEAR.
So there it is laid out for you. Infinite was chosen because I want to welcome infinite experiences, possibilities, dreams, lessons ..to come into my life and not to be narrowed down to just one thing. I hope that admitting my struggles and seeing my need for help and change is a good first step into the infinite possibility of 2020.
With that, Happy New Year, one and all. Cheers to your possibilities as well.