It feels as though every time I feel the ground become sturdy beneath me, another reinvention is on the horizon. I held onto my job for a while, thinking that moving up was the option for me. Instead I was met with resistance. Certain people having it our for me, thus ruining what I had worked very hard to try & achieve. I got knocked off the block. Then I was twisted into stepping down from the block I landed on. Now I’m on ground that feels more like quicksand that solid ground.
Here I am again: trying to find the path to go down. I find myself second guessing everything. Struggling yet again when I thought things were going to even out finally. That happiness & security were well within my grasp. Yet here I am again. The perpetual worrier right back where she started: worrying.
I’m trying to figure things out. I’m taking steps. I’m looking for the solid steps like Indiana Jones does in The Last Crusade while he was bypassing booby traps to get to the Holy Grail. Some of the steps were solid, some were brittle from the step & would break through to a deathly pit. I can say with certainty that my steps feel like that at times. Especially lately.
I’m struggling fiercely with depression too. Nights before I go to bed spent crying for no good reason that I can think of. Waking up every few hours feeling restless. Dealing with a cough that won’t go all the way away, but unable to see the doctor because the husband’s new job hasn’t turned on the insurance yet. Needing a new(er) car but uncertainty about my job making that seem forever away when I thought it would be happening now.
The only real happiness I’ve been feeling lately has been creatively. Doing theater & feeling good at it. If only I could find that on the job front. Or the life front.
I decided I wanted to continue having this site. I renewed the domain for another year & have committed to be dauntless in my activity here. It’s high time I stop hiding from the world my actual, real, raw, honest thoughts. I might lose friends. I might lose everything but it’s time to be real.
So here I am. Let’s get real.